Lost and Found

I’m spinning, twirling around, faster and faster. I’m looking for that focal point, the one that will stop me from getting dizzy, from falling over, from being hurt.

I can’t see clearly anymore, it’s all a blur. It’s all so fast, but still too slow. Am I playing too safe, or courting danger? Is the end in sight, or is it just the beginning? Creation or destruction? Left brain? Right brain? So many questions and not an answer in sight.

Thinking takes over, instincts can no longer be trusted, head is winning over heart, the rhythm is lost. Everything is suddenly overwhelming, I feel dizzy, I fall to the ground – battered, bruised, exhausted.

Everything is changing but nothing has actually changed, or at least that’s the way it feels. I was labouring under the illusion that by the time I reached this age everything would be okay, that somehow it would have all come together, but instead I feel like I’m having a mid-life crisis.

I’m terrified, excited, awake, falling in love with life again – I’m feeling everything with such intensity and it hurts in so many ways, but I’m grateful for that pain, I welcome it as it means I’m alive once more. The ashes have been rekindled and the fire is burning bright.

So bring on the spinning, I want to feel dizzy, out of control, off balance … because that’s where I will find myself, my strengths, and my weaknesses, in the midst of chaos.

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A Goddess, a King, and the Cemetery

Last Friday night began with me witnessing the truly awesome ‘Artemis’, as performed by Alana Bloom in an old warehouse near Temple Meads. The stark contrast of the beauty of her performance and the decaying nature of the space making it all the more powerful.

Once the ritual had come to an end, we were invited to approach the shrine if we so wished; the power emanating from it was unmistakable and overwhelming. I watched for a short while whilst others spent time communing with Her before I knew my turn had come.

I knelt before the shrine and let Her power wash over me, before giving as an offering a gold deer antler ring, which had been freely given to me about a year before.

When the time felt right, I selected a tarot card from the spread before me – the King of Wands – I knew in an instant the person and situation this card represents in my life; it could not have been more apt.

In explanation, I will say that I have found that my true self occasionally gets sidelined by an inauthentic version of me and becomes ‘good employee’ and ‘good girlfriend’ amongst other titles I feel I must embody, and this is unfortunately almost always to the detriment of me.

I’m so good at playing these roles that I seldom notice I’m actually doing it, but thankfully, there is someone in my life who sees through my act, through these personas I adopt to please others and more importantly, calls me out on it – my King of Wands.

I’d gotten lost again recently, but he helped me to find my way back to the path. It wasn’t pain free, tears were shed, and I had to admit to things that I’d been so desperately trying to ignore, but I know in my heart of hearts that it’s for the best and this is all part of a long journey that is nowhere near finished.

As part of this journey, I got my first tattoo this week, four runes symbolising protection, strength, and inner clarity. I was fortunate enough to be able to have this done, not only in the company of good friends, but in one of their homes, which for me made it all the more special.

The week came to an end for me on Friday night, close to midnight, when I lay down in the middle of a cemetery, closed my eyes and felt more present and at peace than I had for a long time. I know that it’s important to hold on to that feeling, to be able to conjure it up again and give myself over to it, especially at the moment when there is so much going on in my life that it would be all too easy to get lost again.

As a wise man once wrote “Not everyone can survive the violence of Creation” but I intend to make sure I do. The unmaking is no easy process and many people and things will try to get in the way, so find the person who sees you, as they are a rare gift to be cherished.

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