I’m spinning, twirling around, faster and faster. I’m looking for that focal point, the one that will stop me from getting dizzy, from falling over, from being hurt.
I can’t see clearly anymore, it’s all a blur. It’s all so fast, but still too slow. Am I playing too safe, or courting danger? Is the end in sight, or is it just the beginning? Creation or destruction? Left brain? Right brain? So many questions and not an answer in sight.
Thinking takes over, instincts can no longer be trusted, head is winning over heart, the rhythm is lost. Everything is suddenly overwhelming, I feel dizzy, I fall to the ground – battered, bruised, exhausted.
Everything is changing but nothing has actually changed, or at least that’s the way it feels. I was labouring under the illusion that by the time I reached this age everything would be okay, that somehow it would have all come together, but instead I feel like I’m having a mid-life crisis.
I’m terrified, excited, awake, falling in love with life again – I’m feeling everything with such intensity and it hurts in so many ways, but I’m grateful for that pain, I welcome it as it means I’m alive once more. The ashes have been rekindled and the fire is burning bright.
So bring on the spinning, I want to feel dizzy, out of control, off balance … because that’s where I will find myself, my strengths, and my weaknesses, in the midst of chaos.